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Welcome to the Departure Lounge

Welcome to the Departure Lounge: Adventures in Mothering Mother is author Meg Federico's memoir of the misery of long-distance care-taking for an aging, failing, and ultimately, dying mother -- and stepfather. It is a How-Not-To-Do-It. It is, also -- and I was never sure Federico recognized this -- a tale of unacceptable and relentless abuse: child abuse (as when the author's mother tied her in her bed with clothesline in the early evening so she could "enjoy" her cocktail hour unencumbered by children); domestic violence (as when Federico's mother's second husband lunges at her, knocks her down, hits her, and rages at her and others, both at home and in public); and elder abuse, (as when the caretakers hired for her mother's care fail to perform even base-level duties and when some of them rob her blind). I would add Child Neglect to the list as well, as Federico herself is so intent on finally, ultimately succeeding as a daughter that she repeatedly leaves her own children for weeks at a time, assuaging her guilt with home-made lasagne in the freezer. This is a nightmare of a story, and of a family desperately in need of professional help, counsel, and boundaries. The characters are such characters and Federico's writing is so detailed, that there is humor in the extreme disfunction -- but I found I couldn't get past the chaos and incompetence -- the failure to make even minimal provisions, even to secure, for example, powers of attorney, to get control over the household finances (which were apparently ample), to work together, siblings and step-siblings alike, to manage the otherwise unmanageable "children" their parents had become. Reading Welcome to the Departure Lounge gave me a stomach ache the emotional pain was so powerful. I think we all know the baggage we bring to these late-in-life crises -- Federico's mistake may have been trying to resolve all her issues with her mother and, for that matter, with her father's death, on-the-scene. Note to self: don't do that. Note to self II: Check out the resources where Dad lives now, so that if you need to arrange (long-distance) reliable home care for him, you won't have to hold it together with band-aids.