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The Curse of Independence

Ellen Goodman writes of our need for a Declaration of Dependence if both we and our parents are going to understand what's needed from all of us to make our relationships work responsibly and lovingly through our parents' aging and decline (and, in turn, our own). Refuting my father's belief that there is something shameful, improper, and infantilizing about “help,’’ (How did she know?!), she reminds those of us who demur when Dad says "Leave me alone" and "I can, too, drive!" that we need to get our act together. Goodman quotes the author Paula Span, ( When the Time Comes -- Families with Aging Parents Share their Struggles and Solutions), "We prepare for everything. We prepare for education, for marriage,. We read 40 books on pregnancy and childbirth. But we don't prepare for the idea that we'll spend years taking care of an older relative. . . . Immortality is not on the menu, so let's dispense with that and talk about what's going to happen." Ellen should have printed her column in large type so my Dad could read it. And the rest of us need to share our "struggles and solutions." I'd like to do a better job.