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Loving Again

Here’s a dilemma for our age. As I have written, we lost my friend, Jan, to ovarian cancer in December. Her husband of 38 years was a rock. He generously shared Jan with us even when it was clear her days were numbered, and he has been good about maintaining our relationship and open about his grief and mourning. He has also been clear about their agreement that he must re-engage fully with life, and love again. It’s the loving again part that has me searching for the words to say. What is the appropriate response to his tales of flirting, dating, and romance? “Go for it!”? or “Already? Are you really ready for another relationship?”? or “Oooh. You know Jan never liked her.”? A better friend than I (of the husband) considers it yet another of Jan’s gifts that he feels so attractive and eligible. I just feel sort of uncomfortable. I have no objection to his social life, or to its timing. He was there for Jan when it counted, and there’s nothing he can do to bring her back. He deserves good times and happiness and with all my heart I hope he finds a new source of deep, abiding love. I just don’t know what to say to him. It occurs to me that may be because there’s nothing to say. Perhaps I can simply affirm that his life goes on, though we both mourn the fact that Jan’s does not, by listening.

Let me know, though. If you have been down this road, what did you need or want from your friends? How did you re-enter the dating scene? When did you feel confident enough of your emotions amidst your grief to trust yourself to love again?